Regrets of the Dying
Dying is not easy. And dying with regrets, is even more hard. We come to terms with our mortality and foolishness at our end only. We wish for many things that haven’t happened, and more often that not regret about
- not having enough courage in your life
- not taking enough risks and chances
- little things in life - love, friends, family - and not so much about big things - career, money, reputation
- not being happy when you had all the time and chance in the universe
- not so much about being at work
right?
A palliative care nurse, Bronnie Ware, watched many dying people who shared their regrets when they knew their end was near and wrote a memoir, recollecting how these regrets of the dying people she cared for has transformed her own life. According to her, these are the most common five regrets:
- I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
- *I wish I didn’t work so hard. * This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
- *I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. * Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
- *I wish that I had let myself be happier. * This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.